Of Intimacy and Light Bulbs

When they told me sex addiction is not about sex and all about intimacy, they were so right!  I am seeing this more and more.  About a week and a half ago I noticed we were having an issue - H was beginning to withdraw again.  There were red flags: our communication had become more like "the news report" than intimate conversation, his mood became a bit sullen, and our sex life dropped off the map.  My last post was about the "show up place."  Well, I thought we were both showing up, but it turns out H was only partially, or occasionally, showing up... not that he was fighting against it, but because of ignorance, and because of old crap - the addict's brain.

I battled within myself on how to approach him and not be "all co-dependent" about it. Finally, as we were sitting out in the yard, he mentioned that I was being awfully quiet and asked if I was withdrawing (!)  So, I said, "No, I'm not withdrawing, just thinking. I've noticed that our intimacy has declined, and I've been wondering if you're ok."

Can I say that didn't go so well?  H got really defensive - thought I was criticizing our sex life. This began one of our typical scenarios: me, inquiry -> him, offense -> defensiveness -> anger -> us, withdrawal.  In the past this cycle could last days or weeks.  But this time it only lasted about a day and a half.

After going 'round the world we finally ended up getting to the real issue.  H told me that he had been really stressing over stuff like taxes, an upcoming job change, car issues, etc. The problem was that he kept it to himself - thinking he could/should handle it, that it was what he was supposed to do.  I told him that even if he is the one doing the actual work, we are in the decision-making together.  That he should not bear the burden alone. That as his partner - his wife - I am here to help him.

It really pissed me off that we have to go through this junk before we can have a normal discussion about normal stuff.  Then I finally realized that H didn't have a clue what intimacy or the show up place was.  He thought intimacy = sex and that the show up place was all about confessing his wrong-doing.  When I told him that a good way to look at intimacy is to remember it means "into-me-see," it was like a light bulb went off in his head.  When I told him that the show up place is the place of intimacy, he finally got it.

H called his accountability partner and told him what we had gone through (wow isn't that great!?) and got some really good advice.  His wife and he had gone through a couple's healing workshop and came away with a great tool for facilitating intimacy, with a conversation starter using the acronym FANOS.  It stands for Feelings, Affirmation, Need, Ownership and Spirituality (or Sobriety).  We started doing it every evening before our nighttime devotional and prayer.  It's really helping us connect with ourselves and with each other.

You can find it here:

http://enrichmentjournal.ag.org/200701/200701_128_MaritalConflict.cfm

and here:

http://sexual-sanity.com/2010/02/guided-conversations-to-build-intimacy-between-addicts-and-spouses/

It's been, overall, a good month - despite ups and downs.  H is 90+ days into sobriety and the only "slips" he's had are more root issues than sexual acting out - except for one early on, when he had an inappropriate, though non-sexual, conversation with a female co-worker.  I'll post about that another time.