Of Intimacy and Light Bulbs

When they told me sex addiction is not about sex and all about intimacy, they were so right!  I am seeing this more and more.  About a week and a half ago I noticed we were having an issue - H was beginning to withdraw again.  There were red flags: our communication had become more like "the news report" than intimate conversation, his mood became a bit sullen, and our sex life dropped off the map.  My last post was about the "show up place."  Well, I thought we were both showing up, but it turns out H was only partially, or occasionally, showing up... not that he was fighting against it, but because of ignorance, and because of old crap - the addict's brain.

I battled within myself on how to approach him and not be "all co-dependent" about it. Finally, as we were sitting out in the yard, he mentioned that I was being awfully quiet and asked if I was withdrawing (!)  So, I said, "No, I'm not withdrawing, just thinking. I've noticed that our intimacy has declined, and I've been wondering if you're ok."

Can I say that didn't go so well?  H got really defensive - thought I was criticizing our sex life. This began one of our typical scenarios: me, inquiry -> him, offense -> defensiveness -> anger -> us, withdrawal.  In the past this cycle could last days or weeks.  But this time it only lasted about a day and a half.

After going 'round the world we finally ended up getting to the real issue.  H told me that he had been really stressing over stuff like taxes, an upcoming job change, car issues, etc. The problem was that he kept it to himself - thinking he could/should handle it, that it was what he was supposed to do.  I told him that even if he is the one doing the actual work, we are in the decision-making together.  That he should not bear the burden alone. That as his partner - his wife - I am here to help him.

It really pissed me off that we have to go through this junk before we can have a normal discussion about normal stuff.  Then I finally realized that H didn't have a clue what intimacy or the show up place was.  He thought intimacy = sex and that the show up place was all about confessing his wrong-doing.  When I told him that a good way to look at intimacy is to remember it means "into-me-see," it was like a light bulb went off in his head.  When I told him that the show up place is the place of intimacy, he finally got it.

H called his accountability partner and told him what we had gone through (wow isn't that great!?) and got some really good advice.  His wife and he had gone through a couple's healing workshop and came away with a great tool for facilitating intimacy, with a conversation starter using the acronym FANOS.  It stands for Feelings, Affirmation, Need, Ownership and Spirituality (or Sobriety).  We started doing it every evening before our nighttime devotional and prayer.  It's really helping us connect with ourselves and with each other.

You can find it here:

http://enrichmentjournal.ag.org/200701/200701_128_MaritalConflict.cfm

and here:

http://sexual-sanity.com/2010/02/guided-conversations-to-build-intimacy-between-addicts-and-spouses/

It's been, overall, a good month - despite ups and downs.  H is 90+ days into sobriety and the only "slips" he's had are more root issues than sexual acting out - except for one early on, when he had an inappropriate, though non-sexual, conversation with a female co-worker.  I'll post about that another time.

Showing Up

One thing I learned at the Bethesda Healing Workshops was the importance of coming to “the show-up place.”  This place is one of transparency.  Honesty.  Openness.  It’s the place where I need to come to ensure that my recovery progresses.

And I learned that if my husband is working his recovery, I’ll find him there, too.

And do you know what?  He’s been showing up!  We’ve been meeting here at the show-up place for the past few days, like we never have before.  I am amazed.

We’ve been able to talk about things like what recovery looks like for each of us, slips and what to do about slips, boundaries and deal-breakers.  We’re talking about emotional needs, healthy vs unhealthy coping strategies and growing together as we each pursue recovery.  I am amazed that these conversations are taking place… and even more amazed at “how” they’re taking place.  No anger, avoidance, defensiveness.  Just open, honest communication.

For the first time in our lives.

It's all about... me???

Wow.

I am back from 4 days of intense discovery.  Self-discovery.  I learned that I am a co-addict.  I have co-addictive behaviors up the wazoo.  I have been frantically attempting to manage my husband’s addiction and, well… life in general.  And I have admitted I am powerless over compulsive sexual behavior – that my life has become unmanageable.

Coming home from the the Bethesda Healing Workshops I attended, I feel as though I am now in a foreign country and having to learn a whole new language, customs and lifestyle.

I am overwhelmed.

But I am hopeful.

Stay tuned!

Catching Up, 1

Posted from my journal entry of 2/10/13

I’m reading When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, Healing Your Wounded Heart by Vickie Tiede in the wake of discovering H’s addiction.  The author suggests that I journal, something I had considered but until now have shied away from just because life became too painful to record.  But today, I will begin.  (I started the book on 2/7/13.)

How appropriate to begin today, one month from D-day on January 10th.  H came home yesterday from an intensive recovery program with Bethesda Workshops.  He has yet to discuss much of what happened, and asked that I wait until today for our “talk” due to physical and emotional exhaustion.

I told him a little while ago that I feel like I’m standing under a crane waiting for a ton of bricks to drop on my head.  He said, “what do you mean?” and I told him that I’m worried there is more betrayal to be revealed.  He assured me he had told me everything and that what we’re going to talk about is more about his baggage and how it all began in the first place.

So, he did share about his time at Bethesda (but not all, in the hopes that I would attend the partner’s workshop and he didn’t want to compromise what I would get there).  There were no more sexual betrayals.  He did say that because of past wounds he came into our marriage wrongly – for all the wrong reasons.  He was looking for not only for selfish gratification (“you were young and beautiful,”) but personal (“you were needy, I could help you”).  He talked about wrong perceptions surrounding his sexuality, stemming from his first encounter at 22 years old, subsequent heartbreak and beginning to use porn.

I asked him later that if he married me for all the wrong reasons, how could he even claim to love me?  He had such a skewed paradigm.  This, too, feels like betrayal.  Like objectification.

I got mad.  I told him that I didn’t marry him because I needed help.  I didn’t marry him because I was desperate.  I didn’t marry him because I was looking for security.  I married him because I loved him.  Dammit!  Didn’t he see that???  I was divorced and hurt, yes.  But I was doing ok.  I had just accepted a job with the USPS and had been accepted into the pre-nursing program at the local college.  I was renting a house and taking care of my children.  But no, in his eyes I was young, pretty and desperate, and that was the draw.  (He did say that he loves me for me.  That he is beginning to see how much there really is to love.  I have to give him that.  But it will take awhile before I can really believe that.)

I told him, “well I’m not young anymore, and I’m not pretty anymore!  So what’s left?”  Of course he said I’m still pretty.  Gee thanks.

Well, I’m pretty fat (30 lbs overweight).  I’m getting pretty wrinkled.  I’m pretty self-conscious. Pretty gray under the hair coloring.  And you know what?  I’m pretty damn mad.

Anyhow, we talked a lot.  And the mad comes and goes.  Along with the heart-wrenching sad.  The hope, and the despair.  The book mentions a “roller coaster” of emotions.  And Ihate roller coasters.  I am not, by nature, an emotional person and this is more than uncomfortable.  I feel deeply, but am not given to the manifestation of those feelings.  I’ve cried more in the last month than I have in my entire life.

I finished reading Day 4 in the first section of the book (it’s divided into 5-day sections covering a 6-week period).  My first journal assignment begins: to dialog with God.

God, hear me praying.  Hear my heart, for I can hardly form a thought, let alone words to pray.  You see my pain, and I thank You that You are no stranger to pain.  Thank You for reminding me that Jesus was betrayed by one of His intimates.  Jesus suffered all of humanity’s hurts.

I am honestly, as much as I am able, seeking healing – for myself, for H, for our marriage, for our family.  I know that H’s wounds and his addiction have far-reaching effects.  Redeemer!  Redeem us!  Give us back what the enemy has stolen.  Show me how to war – and show H how to war.  Unite us, Father.  We are seeking You together.

Again, I want to say I FORGIVE MY HUSBAND.  I do, Lord.  Please help me to walk this out and not fall into bitterness.  As I journey through this betrayal and loss, help me to allow healing to take place.  Help me to be a source of comfort and acceptance for H.  Help me to communicate effectively – my hurts, my heart, my desire and my love.  Amen.

God, I hear You prompting.  This is where I want to write what a friend posted on facebook for “someone” who needed to hear it:

You are beautiful and wonderful.  Relax, everything will be ok.  This is not your fault.  There are no mistakes that are unforgivable.  I care for you deeply.  You are brilliant and radiant.  You are stunning and lovely.  Your are not worthless, you have incredible value!  You are strong.

I receive that, Lord.  Thank you so much for reaching through your body to touch me in my low estate.

D-Day, part 2

“Yes, I’ve used pornography.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but as soon as H (Husband) said it all the puzzle pieces began to drop into place.  Everything I had been reading about sexual dysfunction – erectile issues, “low” libido, and the changes in our lovemaking – how sex just felt different, foreign…  it all made sense in that awful moment of clarity, in that godawful admission.

Seconds passed.  Swallowing the bile rising in my throat, I began to ask questions.  When did you start, how long have you been doing it, do you realize that I consider this adultery?  And more.  He was evasive, I could tell.  Different answers to repeated questions.  Claiming forgetfulness.  And then he got defensive.  ”Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice.  You’re making me feel like I’m under attack,” he said.  I told him, “I am not attacking you, I am trying to find out what’s been going on, and I have not raised my voice.  I’m just trying to get some answers.”

Slowly I began to put it together, though it would be days before a more accurate picture developed.  He had begun masturbating approximately 6 years ago and the porn use came about a year after that.  He had been using porn with masturbation 3-4 times a week for over 5 years.

My mind began screaming…

• Why???
• Why did you do it?
• What about US?
• Why did you take yourself away from me?
• How did I miss it?
• How could you live such a double life?

Then I asked him when the last time was that he had used porn/masturbated.  He said, “Today.”

More screaming in my head…

• OMG!  While I was at my friend’s house?
• While I’m praying and seeking God you’re looking at porn and jerking off?
• We are trying to repair our marriage and you’re compromising it?
• You’re telling me you can’t keep up with my sexual demands but you’re masturbating?
• You turned me away for that?

We had a scheduled counseling appointment that week, and H agreed to tell.  We were supposed to go in separately, for two appointments.  When it was my turn, the counselor said, so he told you about the porn… how do you feel?

“It’s pretty devastating.”  He told me that H mentioned he had been looking at porn occasionally and felt bad about it.  But…

The more I said, the more concerned he got, and at one point he interrupted me to say that H hadn’t given him a clear picture of his porn use.  From what I described (I told him what H had admitted to me) he felt H may have an addiction issue.  He asked if he could call him back in.  He did tell me that he advised H to get internet accountability software installed and that H agreed to it.  He then called H back in and we talked together.  The counselor told H that he strongly advises he undergo intensive therapy at Bethesda Workshop.  That unless he did, our counseling with him would not go anywhere.  The three of us talked for the rest of the appointment about it.

H and I were both getting really scared.  I think it was finally dawning on us that this was bigger than us – that he is an addict.  That it wasn’t something that he could just stop.  That we really needed help…

D-Day, Part 1

On January 10, 2013 my world came crashing down like an avalanche of rock, crushing me beneath its rubble.  My husband and I had been struggling for months and were currently in counseling to learn how to better communicate with one another, and to save our troubled marriage.  Our problems had begun years before, a slow and painful decline. On the evening of this day the real reason for our issues was uncovered.

We had gone our customary several days with little communication after yet another of our many recent conflicts surrounding intimacy.  That morning I left to visit with a friend who had invited me to her home.  She was in the process of divorce and I went to share some time with her, seeking the Lord together and getting to know each other better.  The visit was enjoyable and refreshing, despite my thoughts being shadowed by my own, private struggles.

Later that evening, my husband asked if we could talk.  He had gone ahead a little ways in our assigned book (our counselor gave us homework to read together: Hold Me Tight – Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson) and had read about “raw spots.”  He said that we had been touching one another’s raw spots and felt encouraged that we could get past this current one if we forged ahead in our assignment together.

We started to talk, but in the back of my mind were things I had been researching about our current intimacy/sexual problems.  Much of what I had been reading kept pointing to pornography as being a source of many of the very issues we were experiencing.  I had been dismissing that as being a cause, for since I’d known him he had been so against pornography.  He had told me early on in our relationship that during his young adulthood and past marriage he had used porn as well as indulged in other unhealthy and immoral sexual outlets.  He came into our marriage determined to put all that behind him and two years after we married, committed his life to the Lord.

But things just weren’t adding up… his behavior, anger outbursts, isolation, our lack of intimacy and sexual dysfunction, etc.  I knew there had to be an explanation.  Finally, I took a breath and asked him, “Is there anything you have been keeping from me?  Are you having an affair?  Have you been using pornography?”

He paused, and then said yes, he had used pornography.  Suddenly a sense of sick dread washed over me, and I actually felt time slow to a snail’s pace.  My heart started beating very quickly and I became nauseated.  I then felt a sort of detached calmness come over me as I realized I had to tread very carefully, for we were in major trouble… much worse than I had ever imagined.

I’ll finish this story in my next post, D-Day, part 2.

Until then, “may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13).”

Walking Underwater

When I was a little girl I was so skinny I could literally walk from the shallow end of a swimming pool to the bottom of the deep end without floating.  Back then it was great entertainment to move around the pool without bobbing to the surface.  I used to stand at the bottom for as long as I could before shooting up to catch a breath.

Lately, I feel as though I am walking through deep water.  Every effort to get through a day is weighted down by the heaviness of my husband’s struggle with porn addiction.  I am moving, though… each day accomplishing what needs to get done. But everything I do feels not only as though I do it in slow motion, and with great effort, but as if submerged and moving through water.  My mind is getting fuddled, too.  So not like me…

Every once in awhile I remember to “breathe” and I come to the surface, where my Heavenly Father waits with His sustaining breath, His Holy Spirit breathing life back into me.  I know He wants me to stay up where there is life, but inevitably I sink back down.