Catching Up, 1

Posted from my journal entry of 2/10/13

I’m reading When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography, Healing Your Wounded Heart by Vickie Tiede in the wake of discovering H’s addiction.  The author suggests that I journal, something I had considered but until now have shied away from just because life became too painful to record.  But today, I will begin.  (I started the book on 2/7/13.)

How appropriate to begin today, one month from D-day on January 10th.  H came home yesterday from an intensive recovery program with Bethesda Workshops.  He has yet to discuss much of what happened, and asked that I wait until today for our “talk” due to physical and emotional exhaustion.

I told him a little while ago that I feel like I’m standing under a crane waiting for a ton of bricks to drop on my head.  He said, “what do you mean?” and I told him that I’m worried there is more betrayal to be revealed.  He assured me he had told me everything and that what we’re going to talk about is more about his baggage and how it all began in the first place.

So, he did share about his time at Bethesda (but not all, in the hopes that I would attend the partner’s workshop and he didn’t want to compromise what I would get there).  There were no more sexual betrayals.  He did say that because of past wounds he came into our marriage wrongly – for all the wrong reasons.  He was looking for not only for selfish gratification (“you were young and beautiful,”) but personal (“you were needy, I could help you”).  He talked about wrong perceptions surrounding his sexuality, stemming from his first encounter at 22 years old, subsequent heartbreak and beginning to use porn.

I asked him later that if he married me for all the wrong reasons, how could he even claim to love me?  He had such a skewed paradigm.  This, too, feels like betrayal.  Like objectification.

I got mad.  I told him that I didn’t marry him because I needed help.  I didn’t marry him because I was desperate.  I didn’t marry him because I was looking for security.  I married him because I loved him.  Dammit!  Didn’t he see that???  I was divorced and hurt, yes.  But I was doing ok.  I had just accepted a job with the USPS and had been accepted into the pre-nursing program at the local college.  I was renting a house and taking care of my children.  But no, in his eyes I was young, pretty and desperate, and that was the draw.  (He did say that he loves me for me.  That he is beginning to see how much there really is to love.  I have to give him that.  But it will take awhile before I can really believe that.)

I told him, “well I’m not young anymore, and I’m not pretty anymore!  So what’s left?”  Of course he said I’m still pretty.  Gee thanks.

Well, I’m pretty fat (30 lbs overweight).  I’m getting pretty wrinkled.  I’m pretty self-conscious. Pretty gray under the hair coloring.  And you know what?  I’m pretty damn mad.

Anyhow, we talked a lot.  And the mad comes and goes.  Along with the heart-wrenching sad.  The hope, and the despair.  The book mentions a “roller coaster” of emotions.  And Ihate roller coasters.  I am not, by nature, an emotional person and this is more than uncomfortable.  I feel deeply, but am not given to the manifestation of those feelings.  I’ve cried more in the last month than I have in my entire life.

I finished reading Day 4 in the first section of the book (it’s divided into 5-day sections covering a 6-week period).  My first journal assignment begins: to dialog with God.

God, hear me praying.  Hear my heart, for I can hardly form a thought, let alone words to pray.  You see my pain, and I thank You that You are no stranger to pain.  Thank You for reminding me that Jesus was betrayed by one of His intimates.  Jesus suffered all of humanity’s hurts.

I am honestly, as much as I am able, seeking healing – for myself, for H, for our marriage, for our family.  I know that H’s wounds and his addiction have far-reaching effects.  Redeemer!  Redeem us!  Give us back what the enemy has stolen.  Show me how to war – and show H how to war.  Unite us, Father.  We are seeking You together.

Again, I want to say I FORGIVE MY HUSBAND.  I do, Lord.  Please help me to walk this out and not fall into bitterness.  As I journey through this betrayal and loss, help me to allow healing to take place.  Help me to be a source of comfort and acceptance for H.  Help me to communicate effectively – my hurts, my heart, my desire and my love.  Amen.

God, I hear You prompting.  This is where I want to write what a friend posted on facebook for “someone” who needed to hear it:

You are beautiful and wonderful.  Relax, everything will be ok.  This is not your fault.  There are no mistakes that are unforgivable.  I care for you deeply.  You are brilliant and radiant.  You are stunning and lovely.  Your are not worthless, you have incredible value!  You are strong.

I receive that, Lord.  Thank you so much for reaching through your body to touch me in my low estate.